When Chemists Attack

Warning: Long rant ahead!

Background

As some of you know, I’ve been teaching using a Tablet PC. I’ve found it to be a valuable tool in the classroom, and I use it for all my teaching work now. A little while ago, the hard drive in my tablet came loose, wreaking havoc with my data (which was mostly recoverable). I decided to buy another tablet from ubid.com, worried that my current tablet might destroy another hard drive. So I ordered one, and they shipped it via what I thought was FedEx. And that’s where the story begins …

Day 1

The new computer was scheduled to arrive. I had a lab exam to give, but I figured that Patty would be home in the early afternoon. No problem, right? Wrong. The first delivery attempt was at 9:43 AM. What’s more, they wanted a “direct signature”, so I couldn’t just sign it and let them leave it behind the door. That’s ubid’s fault, but why on Earth would anyone try to deliver a signature-required package to a home at 9:43 AM? Most of the population would be at work between 9 and 10 AM on a weekday.

I’ve missed FedEx packages before, so I thought I knew what to do: Just go to the FedEx distribution center (on the same street as my school) and pick up the package after work.

That’s when I found out that the FedEx that has my package … isn’t FedEx. It’s FedEx Ground, which is another company that FedEx bought. How can you tell them apart? FedEx Ground is green instead of orange.

So I figured that, since I didn’t know where FedEx Ground actually was, I’d give them another chance.

Day 2

I had a stack of papers to grade, so I decided to come home after my morning classes and wait for the new computer. I can grade papers just as easily at home as I can at school, after all.

I checked the package tracking between classes (that’s just before 10 in the morning) and … found that FedEx ground had already attempted delivery. At 9:43 AM. Again.

Hey, at least they’re precise!

So I decide to call FedEx to ask what I could do to get my new computer. That’s when I found out that Hell actually exists, and it is the voice response system at FedEx. The system is designed (by sadists) to be “easier” to use. You’re supposed to say things like “Track a package” to select what you’d like to do, instead of pressing a number button on the phone. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, I’m a Southerner. And I was calling from work – on a digital phone system. Taken together, those two things meant that Hell couldn’t understand a word I was saying. Eventually, Hell decided to let me punch numbers. So I punched zero to talk to a representative. But Hell wasn’t quite through with me:

“Before I transfer you to a representative, are you calling to ship a package?”, it demanded.

“No”, I said.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand that. For faster service, next time indicate whether you want to ship a package.”

Hell then transferred me to a human. After telling the human that FedEx Ground had twice attempted delivery early in the morning, I asked if there was any way to schedule a delivery attempt. “Anytime after or even during lunch would work”, I said. So the FedEx human called the local FedEx Ground office and suggested that my computer be delivered a little later in the day. “We can’t guarantee a specific time for delivery,” she said, “but I’ve let them know that you need this signature-required package delivered in the afternoon.”

When I arrived at home, the door tag the driver left had a curious message:

… with an illegible phone number (that I’ve made a little more illegible for this post). “Call if not wanted.” Odd, since I had that morning navigated through Hell just trying to get my new computer. Oh well, at least the driver would know the package needed to be delivered tomorrow afternoon instead of tomorrow morning.

Day 3

Off to work again! Just after my first class, I check – on a whim – to see if the package was on the truck again. As if to spite me, the driver had attempted delivery even earlier: 9:28 AM. Plus, he’s lied about it and marked the package: “Refused by recipient”. (Who was there to refuse the package? Did one of my cats answer the door and decide I didn’t really need a replacement laptop?)

So I dialed Hell again, but this time I just started hitting “0” as soon as Hell answered the phone, which eventually got me to another human. “Okay,” I said, “I need this package for work. I have tried to get FedEx Ground to come to me and have called several times trying to get this package. I most certainly did not refuse delivery. Since you will not deliver the package to me, is there any place I can pick it up?”

This FedEx human sent me off to the FedEx Ground facility. Unlike regular FedEx facilities, the FedEx Ground facility is located … in the middle of friggin’ nowhere. Not even FedEx themselves knew where the place was, as evidenced by the directions they provided. It’s a good thing that I was able to find out which industrial park they were in on my own, otherwise I’d still not have my laptop.

When I arrived at the FedEx Ground facility, it was immediately obvious that the place was not meant for mere package recipients. I had to be buzzed in through an iron gate. (No, really!) There wasn’t a desk to go to for package pick-ups. When I found someone to help me get my laptop, it too them half an hour for them to figure out what truck it was on. I suppose most people just give up on their packages by this point?

Conclusion

Eventually, I got my laptop – and I’ve been enjoying using it in my classes this semester. And I even learned a few things! I learned the location of the top-secret FedEx Ground facility. I learned how to get out of Hell. And I learned to never, ever ship a package by FedEx Ground. (And sellers, if I know in advance you use FedEx Ground for shipping, you’ve lost my business.)

Postscript

I debated whether to publish this post. It’s been sitting in my unpublished drafts for more than a month. Am I being too hard on FedEx Ground? Don’t things go bad once in a blue moon with every shipper? Perhaps.

But the tale above wasn’t my only bad experience with FedEx Ground. I’ve got another nightmare in the making. I purchased something off of Ebay recently, not knowing that the shipper used FedEx Ground until it was too late. Things are going … just as I expect from FedEx Ground.

The originally scheduled delivery date for my package was today. As you can see, they loaded my package on the truck and … drove around all day with it, not even bothering to attempt a delivery.

Might I suggest a new slogan for FedEx Ground?

“FedEx Ground: Packages check in, but they don’t check out!”

Follow-up

After driving around all day with this week’s package, the FedEx Ground driver must have gotten bored with it.  So he stopped by the house while I was at work and left the package out in the rain.  Thankfully, the package was double-boxed and the water hadn’t yet soaked through the first box when I made it home.I suppose I should count this as a successful delivery.  By FedEx Ground standards, anyway.

This was once a pond.

(Click the image to enlarge.)