When Chemists Attack

Slashdot links to this article in Advertising Age about Wal-Mart trying to cash in on the success of Myspace, the home of approximately 6.022×10²³ teen-to-twenties angst blogs.

Wal-Mart is launching a highly sanitized, controlled and rather unhip site at walmart.com/schoolyourway. Teens are invited to create their own page, “show it to the world and win some fab prizes,” including a chance to have their videos appear in a Wal-Mart TV commercial.

Isn’t that what any teen is just dying to do? Get into a Wal-Mart commercial?

The site is an attempt at closing the trend gap Wal-Mart now faces as Target wins more teen-apparel dollars.

Have people that do Wal-Mart’s advertising actually been in a Wal-Mart store? It probably isn’t lack of trendiness that keeps teens out of Wal-Mart. it’s that Wal-Mart stores are only slightly more filthy and poorly arranged than a flea market. (I will give them this – their stores are on average cleaner than the HTML markup on most myspace pages.)

“Over the last year, we have been getting increasingly bad feedback from teen girls about Wal-Mart in contrast to Target — especially Wal-Mart’s apparent lack of cleanliness, messy layout and lack of stylish attire. This attempt at ‘we media’ is terrific. We’ll have to wait and see if it’s enough to overcome in-store issues.”

My guess is “no, it won’t overcome in-store issues”. Whatever junk they put on the web won’t change the fact that the stores are hell to shop in.

But that Wal-Mart site ought to be good for some cheap laughs.

For example, to participate in Wal-Mart’s content, you have to agree to this:

I represent that my Entry is my original creation and hereby grant to Sponsor the copyright and all other rights now known or hereafter existing to use my Entry throughout the universe, in perpetuity, in whole or in part, in edited, unedited or distorted form, in connection with this Contest, for any trade, advertising, or promotional purpose whatsoever, without review, approval, notification or payment from or to any person or entity, in all media now known or hereafter discovered. I understand and agree that Sponsor shall be entitled to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, license, create derivative works from and distribute or incorporate Entries into any form, medium, or technology now known or later developed throughout the universe, for any purpose whatsoever.

(emphasis mine)

And you say Wal-Mart wants global domination. Pah! They will stop at nothing short of dominating the entire universe!

Oh darn! Where will I get the raw materials for making brass now?

My inboxes (both online and off) have been flooded with this stuff since I got back from vacation, so I thought I’d share some it.

Here’s something my freshmen would say:

Auguste Comte, Cours de philosophie positive, 1830:

Every attempt to employ mathematical methods in the study of chemical questions must be considered profoundly irrational and contrary to the spirit of chemistry…. if mathematical analysis should ever hold a prominent place in chemistry — an aberration which is happily almost impossible — it would occasion a rapid and widespread degeneration of that science.

From the “science wars”:

Anthony Standen, Science is a sacred cow, 1958:

Chemists are, on the whole, like physicists, only ‘less so’. They don’t make quite the same wonderful mistakes, and much what they do is an art, related to cooking, instead of a true science. They have their moments, and their sources of legitimate pride. They don’t split atoms, as the physicists do. They join them together, and a very praiseworthy activity that is.

More from the “science wars”:

A physicist, biologist, and chemist were going to the see the ocean.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves, walked into the ocean, and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the organisms in the ocean and walked into the ocean. He, too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a time, pulled out his laboratory notebook, and wrote: “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

You had to have had freshman chemistry:

John Desmond Baernal (Irish physicist, 1901-1971) in a Lecture at Birkbeck college, University of London, 1960:

All that glitters may not be gold, but at least it contains free electrons.

I might actually use this one in class:

My name is Bond, Ionic Bond: Taken, not shared!

As someone with degrees in analytical chemistry and chemical engineering, I feel highly qualified to appreciate this joke:

A chemical is a substance that:

• An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.
• An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.
• A physical chemist turns into a straight line.
• A biochemist turns into a helix.
• A chemical engineer turns into a profit

Stuff to post in the lab:

Rules of the Lab:

• If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
• When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
• Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
• First draw your curves, then plot your data.
• To get linear data, take only two data points.
• If you must take three data points, there is a sheet of graph paper somewhere that will make them all fall on a straight line.
• Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
• Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
• To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
• If you can’t get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
• In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
• Do not believe in miracles – rely on them.
• Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
• All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
• No experiment is a complete failure. It can always serve as a negative example.
• Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
• Hot glass looks just like cold glass.

Worst chemistry joke ever:

Johnny, feeling life a bore,
Drank some H₂SO₄.
Johnny’s father, an M.D.,
Gave him CaCO₃.
Now he’s neutralized, it’s true,
But Johnny’s full of CO₂.