When Chemists Attack

Oh darn! Where will I get the raw materials for making brass now?

My inboxes (both online and off) have been flooded with this stuff since I got back from vacation, so I thought I’d share some it.

Here’s something my freshmen would say:

Auguste Comte, Cours de philosophie positive, 1830:

Every attempt to employ mathematical methods in the study of chemical questions must be considered profoundly irrational and contrary to the spirit of chemistry…. if mathematical analysis should ever hold a prominent place in chemistry — an aberration which is happily almost impossible — it would occasion a rapid and widespread degeneration of that science.

From the “science wars”:

Anthony Standen, Science is a sacred cow, 1958:

Chemists are, on the whole, like physicists, only ‘less so’. They don’t make quite the same wonderful mistakes, and much what they do is an art, related to cooking, instead of a true science. They have their moments, and their sources of legitimate pride. They don’t split atoms, as the physicists do. They join them together, and a very praiseworthy activity that is.

More from the “science wars”:

A physicist, biologist, and chemist were going to the see the ocean.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves, walked into the ocean, and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the organisms in the ocean and walked into the ocean. He, too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a time, pulled out his laboratory notebook, and wrote: “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

You had to have had freshman chemistry:

John Desmond Baernal (Irish physicist, 1901-1971) in a Lecture at Birkbeck college, University of London, 1960:

All that glitters may not be gold, but at least it contains free electrons.

I might actually use this one in class:

My name is Bond, Ionic Bond: Taken, not shared!

As someone with degrees in analytical chemistry and chemical engineering, I feel highly qualified to appreciate this joke:

A chemical is a substance that:

• An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.
• An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.
• A physical chemist turns into a straight line.
• A biochemist turns into a helix.
• A chemical engineer turns into a profit

Stuff to post in the lab:

Rules of the Lab:

• If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
• When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
• Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
• First draw your curves, then plot your data.
• To get linear data, take only two data points.
• If you must take three data points, there is a sheet of graph paper somewhere that will make them all fall on a straight line.
• Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
• Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
• To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
• If you can’t get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
• In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
• Do not believe in miracles – rely on them.
• Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
• All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
• No experiment is a complete failure. It can always serve as a negative example.
• Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
• Hot glass looks just like cold glass.

Worst chemistry joke ever:

Johnny, feeling life a bore,
Drank some H₂SO₄.
Johnny’s father, an M.D.,
Gave him CaCO₃.
Now he’s neutralized, it’s true,
But Johnny’s full of CO₂.